Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Locals braced for surge in Jason McCartney articles as Parliament goes into recess

As Parliament heads for the long summer recess, locals are being urged to prepare for a huge increase in the number of articles in local news outlets where Jason McCartney appears, smiling while doing pointing at things.
The massive summer holiday enjoyed by Parliamentarians means that constituents across the land are bracing themselves for a series of photo-ops and attempts by MPs to ingratiate themselves with the people who, nominally at least, they represent and nowhere is on high alert quite like the Colne Valley.

This time of year sees MPs stagger out of the Palace of Westminster, blinking into the light which many of them won't have seen for, literally, hours and head off back to their constituencies to make it look like they're not really taking a holiday and that whatever massive pile of shit they've dumped on the heads of the electorate since their last recess (almost two months) applies equally to them as well. Commonly, local fetes and galas are the place you'll most likely find the MP at rest, but with the advent of social media, you can find them up to all sorts of japes, capers and photo-ops.

Mr McCartney, of course, never needs a second invitation to appear in an at-best tangentially relevant local newspaper photograph at the best of times, but with some spare time on his hands, the usual steady trickle is expected to become a gushing cataclysm. "You can barely open a packet of crisps without him trying to sneak his face into shot somewhere one they've broken up for summer", one Marsden resident told us. "How do they get so much time off anyway and still have the chutzpah to say teachers have it easy?" another constituent from Slaithwaite said. "Mind, with this shower of bastards in charge", he continued, "it's better that they're not in the House actually trying to bugger more stuff up".

Jason McCartney was, unusually and surprisingly, unavailable for comment.

The all-purpose cut-out-and-keep Jason McCarticle for local newspapers and online news services for deployment during this difficult period:

Colne Valley MP Jason McCartney visited a local pub/petting zoo/football match today to show his support
for/condemn cuts to services. "It's heartening/disgusting to see these hard-working families/layabouts doing so much/little for the local community" said the former Calendar newsreader.

"I'm here at this church fete/disused warehouse/pie shop to totally support/denounce the latest proposals coming from Whitehall. Local people do/don't need a civil servant to decide what's best for them" he continued as he tried on a fireman's helmet/had yet another photo taken. "But one thing is clear; striking/protesting is not the answer".

"He was on the telly, so I voted for him", said one local resident.

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