Wednesday, 25 November 2015

'Entire fucking town' to become student flats

Huddersfield planners and developers have agreed a formula for the future of the town and the solution is to turn the entire fucking place into student flats.

Following a successful pilot in which every fucking spare building has been turned into student flats as soon as it became empty, models have extrapolated that theory and predicted that this cycle can go on infinitely and where the model isn't effective, compulsory purchase orders will be used to acquire property that can then be turned into more flats.

Asked if the expected rise in university fees may see demand for student flats level off in the near future, a spokesman for the planning and development committee said "la la la la la China la la" while shoving his fingers in his ears.

Developers are on board with the plan as it offers a chance to create as many tiny boxes in any sort of building that they can fill with any number of unsuspecting people who have yet to experience anything better. It also contains no requirement to build anything that people may be able to afford to buy. "It's perfect really", a developer who wished to remain anonymous told us. "We build it as cheap as possible, a person occupies it for a year at extremely high rent, doesn't realise what a shithole it is and while they move on, some other gullible twat will move in the year after. Although with this plan, the first person in the chain won't have an option other than to rent another flat the year after in an old flat that we convert into two more flats. It's win-win really, unless you're a student or want to live in the town long-term."

The plan is thought to have come from a group whose entire development plan is turn old mills into student flats. "It's all they teach at university these days - if it's empty, shove as many students in there as possible and ban all imagination and sympathy on what to do with some really rather lovely buildings such as we have in Huddersfield. It's worked before, so it's bound to work forever and ever" the council spokesman concluded.

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